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Then, not too long after, the same guy raped me. I was very drunk, and he didn’t just rape me, he filmed it. I saw him setting up a video camera on a shelf. I was half asleep and feeling quite sick, at this point. When he forced himself on me, I was pounding on his chest, trying to get him to let off. It went on for exactly 26 minutes. I remember staring at his clock on the dresser.
A little over two years ago I found a video of myself on a free porn site. It was the first video I had ever been in. I was convinced into doing this by a former boyfriend, who was the leading abuser in my life. I was only a few months away from turning 18 when I made it.
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For over a year, I survived living with my ex and his new girlfriend, webcamming every night, and doing pornographic videos. I also did a photo shoot that ended in a beating, getting hit and strangled by the guy. I then moved in with my mother, finished esthetician school, and moved into my own apartment after being hired at a great salon and spa all because of her.
There are so many things that could have caused me to do this to myself. It must have been the naked photographs taken of me by a family friend when I was 7. Or the gym teacher in first grade who was very “affectionate” with me. Or was it my mother? The babysitter? It would be so much easier if I could blame one specific event or person. Someone other than myself.
I think I was 7 years old when it all started. My grandparents had a friend I’ll call “Maurice.” I stayed at his huge house for a couple nights when my grandparents went on a trip, and started exploring around the house. I ended up in a big room with a canopy four-poster bed.
Fighting for love means seeing porn for the exploitation that it is. Porn is never harmless, and it always has victims on both sides of the screen.
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But I’m still here and as long as he is fighting his addiction, I will be too, because this is who I am. Because he deserves a better quality of life and love. Because our children deserve a father who can be truly intimate and loving. Because I deserve to have pornography out of my life forever. He feels hopeful and in control for the first time.
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After a while, I was having trouble building a client base and had to try to find another job so that I could pay my rent. I was walking through downtown when it came to me: I’ll audition at a strip club. I won’t work there for very long, I told myself, just long enough to get back on my feet. Anyone who has ever been through this knows that it is never the case. I worked there for two months before my cocaine addiction started. At that point, I was “Pretty” again, all the time. I let her take me over.
He remembered me, but mostly, he knew Pretty. He knew the inhuman me. The me who didn’t care about me. My babies have changed everything for me. But not for him.
